huh?

i've been going out with this guy for the past three months or so. during this time, i made a conscious effort not to commit to anything because i knew i really wanted to get out of san diego before the year ended... whatever happened, i like to think that i managed to keep my distance. honestly, what attracted me to the guy was the prospect of having the friendship of a similar person; moreover, even when we were physically intimate, i felt like what a straight guy must feel when doing gay for pay work.

i told him just how long was left of my stay here about 2 weeks ago (i did prepare him for the possibility that i might be leaving sooner or later before we started). i haven't spoken to him since. i feel guilty because i don't.

betrayal was a neutral word in my day, as unjudged a word as water or breeze. no. or perhaps... i am only bothered because i am bothered.
- illyria, timebomb

i should probably...

...write my feelings out before they overwhelm me. i think that i'd like to be able to remember what i did and what i felt like during this day at this hour long after i no longer have the faculties to do so, don't i?

these days, usually after work, sometime around 1 PM in general, i find myself struggling with fatigue while flat on my back on my comfy, comfy twin bed. naturally, i conk out for 3-4 hours (except on thursdays when i have to work at my other job at 6 PM, then it's just 2 if i'm too tired to keep awake to eat something). today was no exception, except, that i should have been awake so i didn't need to go through what i'm going through right now.

because i was asleep, i didn't escape babysitting duties for a 14 year old girl that i love very much. because i feel like she's growing up too soon and hiding too many things away from me, i thought, hey, why not take her for a night out to talk and eat something nice? i took her to one of the nicer neighborhood eateries in lovely north park to partake in what was really a lovely meal, to chat about school, and life in general (i feel depressed that my dear little sister is on her 2nd boyfriend and i have yet to get to number 1). just to finish off the night, we saw a movie (underworld: awakening, if you're interested to know; not much of a story, but i was very entertained).

fast forward to the end of the night around 1 AM when i open the door to the house. it's frustrating to think that you're doing something nice; but to be accused of endangering a minor while watching a film (granted, it WAS rated r) on opening day in an upscale shopping district on a weekend night while accompanied by a a capable over-the-hill guardian... seems a little much.

i suppose the accusation grates, but what really grinds my gears, to use a certain retard's phrase, that they simply judge from their high horse without understanding.

god, this feels good. i'll see how hypocritical and narrow-minded i am in the morning.

are you crazy? why would I do that? god, daria, you've got to lay off all those books before it's too late!
--- quinn morgendorffer, dye! dye! my darling